Reasons why I'm a walking paradox - WARNING: Contains Deep Inner Feelings (yes I have those believe it or not)

I love being by myself, I can't bear it when people interrupt me when I'm working on something, but I really, really hate being home alone.

I hate traditions and I really want the world to change for the better, but I'm terrified of changes in my own life. I know change is good, so why am I terrified of it?

Part of me loves being adventurous and trying new things, but another part just wants everything to be the way it always is.

I hate anything girly or feminine, but I really love to dance - something that's typically a "girl thing".

I love coming up with dark, creepy, disturbing stuff, but I won't watch any movie that has anything even mildly inappropriate because it makes me really uncomfortable, even though crap like that goes on in my head all the time.

Sometimes I'm cold and unemotional as heck, I can't get worked up over anything, it's almost scary, but sometimes I create these total dramas in my head out of tiny little things.

Certain things that would upset others don't make the slightest impression on me, but sometimes small things that shouldn't bother me in the slightest can make me feel really off for like, days.

When faced with a challenge, sometimes I'm all cool and completely unworried, other times I literally have a nervous breakdown.

Whenever I'm around people my age, I always feel so much younger than them; they're already doing stuff like being in relationships and going out with partying with friends, things I don't intend to do for a good few years, if ever. They're seem so much more independent than me. But at the same time, I also feel a lot older and more experienced than they are... I'm a lot more confident in who I am.

I can't wait to grow up and be an adult, and have so much more freedom than I do as a teen, but the idea that soon I'll be an adult and I'll have to take responsibility for things makes me freak out, BIG time.

I always feel like I want to have complete control over my own life, but half the time I sit back and let my parents take decisions for me, because I can't handle the responsibility.

I long for the day when I'll be old enough to be independent from my parents, make it on my own, but at the same time the idea of being alone in the world without my parents behind me honestly scares the living shit out of me.

I'm always that kid who isn't interesting in dating or romance at all, who has never had feelings for anyone, but that changed a couple of years ago and I just keep on denying it.

Sometimes I'm really confident about myself, I think I'm awesome, nothing can get me down, but at other times I have so many doubts about myself. So many. 

                                                                                           

Aaaaaaaaargh I think I might be insane. Seriously, THIS IS NOT NORMAL. I'm literally a paradox on legs. I have all these contradictory personality traits and just keep having all these little identity crises, because every time I think I've figured out an aspect of my personality, I realise I also have another part of my personality that contradicts it. Cue me feeling like a liar, a fraud, and like I honestly have no idea who the hell I am.

I don't know who I am. I don't bloody understand myself at all and hell, that is not a good feeling. Everyone's always like, "just be yourself!" Well, that's not so freaking easy when you don't have a clue who "yourself" is. Seriously, if anyone understands me, explain me to me. I really want to know.

I guess everyone goes through stuff like this when they're my age. I mean, I'm fifteen, who isn't confused about their identity at fifteen. I'm probably high on wild teenage hormones that are just messing with my brain, and that's why I'm feeling like this.

Urgh sorry this makes no sense to anyone apart from me. But the main reason I created this blog in the first place was for me to rant about things that were eating away at my mind, and this is me ranting about something that's been eating away at my mind. Also I'm tired. I'm always tired these days, what is wrong with me.

Okay I'm going to finish this off now before I keep rambling on until tomorrow.

-Indigo