I miss being a kid and not knowing better

Ah, nostalgia.

This blog feels like a cemetery, inhabited by the ghosts of all the past versions of me. It feels so bizarre to read through my old posts, to see my old self still alive and thriving, curled around the words like smoke. The 15-year-old who felt misunderstood, the 16-year-old writing her novels and thinking about the future for the first time, the 17-year-old discovering herself and finally feeling confident in who she is, the 18-year-old facing adulthood and university in the middle of a global pandemic – all those versions of myself live on in this blog. None of those aspects are who I am anymore, and therefore I find it hard to decide what to do with this old site. I'm usually tempted to just take it down, to save my posts onto my hard drive for posterity and scrub its existence off the internet. But something always stops me – sentimentalism, I suppose. This blog was such a huge part of my life for so long, and I'm just not ready to let it go.

I miss it. I miss blogging. I miss rambling about my life for 2000+ words for no reason other than the enjoyment it brought me. I miss the sheer serotonin rush of getting an email telling me I have a new comment on a post. I miss leaving overly effusive comments with far too many exclamation marks on people's posts. I miss using XD unironically. I miss leaving comments on the posts of bloggers I found 'cool' and 'successful' in the hopes they'd notice me. I suppose what I'm saying is: I miss being a kid and not knowing better. With too many things changing in my life, I guess it's normal I want to cling to the past and its simplicity more than ever. I'd love to go back to the version of me whose greatest worries were not getting comments on my blog posts and leaving my writing projects half-finished.

So: this blog. Will it – and all the ghosts that reside within it – ever stop haunting me? I'm not convinced it will. I'm not sure I want it to, either.

I don't know what this is. I don't think it's a goodbye. I'm not sure its a hello, either. Consider this an 'I am still here, and I'm not who I used to be, but I'm not that different from my past self, either'. Consider this the inane rambles of a young adult who can't quite let her childhood go. I doubt anyone will even read this. I doubt anyone still follows this site, after it's been quiet for over a year, my posts sporadic for closer to three. All the teen bloggers who followed my teen blog are adults by this point and everyone's aged out of blogging, all the websites I used to follow going quiet and dark one by one. But I wanted to write this and post it, for me. To prove I'm not so different from who I used to be, and that the simplicity and peace of my teen years aren't so far away, either.

Is there anyone out there? 


Comments

  1. Grace Marie31 January 2023 at 00:06

    I don't know if you remember me, but I used to be a blogger and read your blog. I miss those days too <3 :')

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Andrea31 January 2023 at 11:40

      Aww of course I remember you! It's so cool to see you're still around the interwebs lol, I always appreciated your comments on my posts!

      Delete

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